Harry Potter (books)

Harry Potter and the Philantropist's Stock Options
In the first book, Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days), learns that his benevolent aunt and uncle Vernon and Petunia are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. To keep their secret well hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by a large bearded dwarf telling him that he's "special".

Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.

One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Jedi Apprentice Academy at Hogwarts to master in Quidditch. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way he meets tall, anorexic Ron Weasley and plot device Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art and kill off their Self Defence teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world".

The American publication of the book was re-titled "The Rich Dude's Stock Options" because research has indicated that American children are allergic to dictionaries.

Harry Potter and the Chamber Music
Harry goes back to Hogwarts, which is ironic, because he could have stayed at the good, innocent Dursleys instead of battling Voldemort and all those bad guys. While there, -(Generic Evil Spell #28193)- starts terrorizing the students. Once every month, on the full moon, one student turns into a classical musician -- usually a violinist. At the end of the year, Harry opens this door in the girls' bathroom (for reasons best not disclosed) and discovers a chamber (not that kind!).

Inside the chamber, Harry discovers Voldemort calling himself Ron Biddle. He defeats him easily. However, behind him are four violinists, one pianist, one cellist, one bassist, and one cymbalist: a recipe for pure pain. Harry hates classical music so much that he sits with his ears covered for five minutes of page-turning pain. Summoning his courage, he does his bravest deed yet: uncover his ears and yell, "could you keep it down?" After informing the violinists (Penelope Clearwater, Hermione, Seamus Finnigan, and Nearly Headless Nick), pianist (Filch's cat) cellist (Dean Thomas), bassist (Colin Creevey), and cymbalist (Neville Longbottom), they are freed.

An unauthorized Dutch version of was released a month after, called Harry and the Chamber of Pot. It features a unique sub-plot involving Hermione's physics degree. The rip-off proved so intriguing that it, and not the original, was adapted for DVD. Tolkien was so infuriated over the obvious copyright infringement, he purchased every copy of the direct-to-video creation, using them as Christmas gifts for his less overtly enthusiastic fans.

Plot
When Harry senses a thousand voices "crying out, and suddenly silenced", he goes to investigate. It turns out that the notorious spammer Seriously Black has escaped from prison and along with Princess Lisa of Alderaan has decided to use his magical powers of mass hypnosis to try to break the world "simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people" record. Determined to thwart this evil genius, Harry returns to school, only to end up being diagnosed with dementia and locked in a safe.

Regional Differences
Different regional printings include variations that suited the local nationality including title and content changes. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekestan", Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan", Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Turkmenistan", Harry accidentally offends Turkmenbashi due to the wording of a spell and is imprisoned for blasphemy. Other copies include "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Bay" also known as "Harry Potter and the Iraq Incident" in which Voldemort sells Harry to the marines as a Taliban combatant; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib" where Harry is stripped naked and forced to cast spells on his privates; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of North Vietnam" where Harry's Nimbus 2000 is blown out of the sky by a SA-2 attached to a Bludger; and "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Finland" in which Harry can't tell that he's in prison except for the constant reminders that if he ran off, the government would be "very hurt".

Also note that in Soviet Russia, Harry Potter has waited outside the bookstore for days because he was so anxious to read the third book about YOU!

Harry Potter and the Giblets of Fire
Harry finds himself mysteriously transported into the world of "Chicken Run" (2000), the animated flick about the comedic farm adventures of McAtheist the Stupid Rooster (voiced by Mc Gibson). Set on the sinister Voldemort Egg Farm in 1950's England, Harry is the victim of a diabolical scheme to get him to eat steak and kidney pies on national television, causing terminal embarrassment and hopefully, death. The plan is foiled when Harry ends up eating a vegetarian tofu pizza instead. Dr. Who makes a guest appearance as Voldemort's latest bitch. Harry's "special friend" Cedric Diggory is murdered by Wormpenis, marking Lord Voldemort's return to Witch Weekly magazine's Top Ten Sexiest Terrorists, coming in at a close third to Osama bin Laden (#2) and George Clooney (#1).

Harry Potter and the Birdy Buddy of the Phoenix
Having proven the existance of Lord Voldemort, Lord Lucas and Hillary Clinton's ghost in the previous book, Harry becomes the victim of a smear campaign by OK! magazine, which reveals he has dubious personal dancing habits and AIDS. He is coerced into having "private lessons" with the official school mandolinist, Professor Drape and narrowly escapes from a teenage romance with Gabriella Montez through the tactful deployment of a Tesla Coil. He discovers that a group of anti-Voldemort protesters have adopted him as their official patron and sets about prosecuting them over the rights to his image. He also needs to get back at the new teacher, known as Dolores Cum-Bridge, for saying that she "hates children." Harry does eventually kill her by using the charm, "Accio Dolores's heart!" The book climaxes with a death-defying battle with Voldemort, ending with Albus Dumbledore's unexpected plot-twisting revelation: Harry, Voldemort is out to kill you Harry also learns that he was chosen, over Neville, to be the main character, wherupon he seeks out Neville and teases him endlessly. Harry also seemed to left caps lock on for the majority of what he says, that, or he has anger-management problems.

Oh, and Seriously Black dies by falling through a shower curtain that's apparently the most secret thing in the Department of Secrets in the wizarding world (which is explained in book 10).

Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known as the Half-Blood Prince
WARNING: If you do not already know that Snape kills Dumbledore, this section may contain spoilers.

Snape is revealed to be Voldemort's son. Dumbledore marries Aunt Petunia. Snape gets angry over this, and therefore Snape kills Dumbledore. Finally, it is at last revealed that Harry Potter was not born to James and Lily Potter, but rather was conceived in a one-night stand between Snape and Aunt Petunia. Therefore Dumbledore is Harry's step-father and so is Snape and Uncle Vernon (the former husband). We also learn that Voldemort is half African American. This spins Harry into a personal crisis in which Harry questions his ethnicity. Harry then has a mental breakdown, starts wearing bling, and adds "izzle" to the end of every sentence. This book is mainly important because we learn that Aunt Petunia was a great slut, causing the book sales to hit record numbers when rumors of hot sex descriptions leak out onto the Internet. Six months after the book's release, Rowling was forced to deactivate the Hot Coffee mod that allowed the readers to participate in a mini-game where Dumbledore screws Aunt Petunia.