Harry Potter and the Philantropist's Stock Options

Harry Potter and the Philantropist's Stock Options, or in the United States Harry Potter and the Rich Dude's Stock Options, is the first book in the epic Harry Potter series.

Plot
In the first book, Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days), learns that his benevolent aunt and uncle Vernon and Petunia are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. To keep their secret well hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by a large bearded dwarf telling him that he's "special".

Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.

One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Jedi Apprentice Academy at Hogwarts to master in Quidditch. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way he meets tall, anorexic Ron Weasley and plot deviceHermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art and kill off their Self Defence teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world".